Futurama

Yebo everyone,

I hope this finds you well and getting into the Christmas spirit. Last Christmas we were in Botswana with the family dealing with intense heat, power cuts, a relatively psychotic level of competitiveness playing board games and then we had a Christmas lunch so monumental a lot of us took pictures to immortalize it.

Unfortunately, this year I have turned into the Grinch.

This festive season has made me so grumpy. For a start it is really cold and as a southern African I only do hot weather in December. To be fair my comfort and warmth level would be aided by a decent pair of shoes which I now have.

My general Grinchness hasn't been helped by the fact the spirit of Christmas seems to have been re-awakened sometime in August, with shopping centres dusting off their stuffed reindeer and waking up the local Santa from behind a skip while people were still wearing shorts outside. I always forget the good folks at Coca-Cola invented the modern Santa, so I don't know why I am always so surprised at how cynical the marketing is. Anyway, like all of these things as long as kids have fun and get spoiled, that's main thing as far as I am concerned. Plus I like buying presents for people so it can't all be bad.

We will probably be at our place in London with Pegs, my mother-in-law so it will be a quiet one. I am looking forward to just chilling out and seem to have gone into a hibernation mode.

Before I leave my Christmas rant, what the hell is it with all the cologne and perfume adverts?  How ridiculous can they get. Some anorexic actress riding a motorbike through Rome telling us its a man's world, which sends men scurrying down to their local department store to blow £50, proving that it clearly isn't a man's world. Or some irritating model telling us he is not going to be the person he is expected to be anymore, by predictably meeting all the expected requirements of being a turd. And finally Brad Pitt looking like a camp cowboy telling us that "when the world turns, and we turn with it." What does that even mean? At least they haven't resorted to Santa asking me if I have the Armani Code.

I can also attribute my general grumpiness partly down to the fact that I now have completed the full circle of side effects of the steroids now that I have added hives and some kind of angry eczema to the boiling pot. For those of you know the erstwhile Dr. Zoidberg from the show Futurama, my face has turned the colour of the good doctor which is a kind of boiled crustacean pink. I have enclosed a picture to give you an idea of what I am talking about even though Dr. Zoidberg doesn't have a ridiculous goatee like I do..

Whilst my general pinkness is a cosmetic issue, the itchiness from hives is really unbearable and has caused me as many sleepless nights as all of the other health issues I have suffered from over years. It feels like millipedes in high heels are stubbing out cigarettes on my face, neck and shoulders.

So at the moment I have added antihistamines to my drug cocktail list and I am applying industrial quantities of cream to relieve the itchiness from the hives. So after these years of trying to be a tough guy and refusing all of the morphine every doctor, nurse and specialist insisted I should be taking, I now take morphine to relieve skin pain and itchiness. And one of main side-effects of morphine is itchy skin - oh the irony.

Otherwise we have been trying to get on top of things. Jay is now working 4 afternoons a week tutoring Britain's yoof. The kids seem sweet and hopefully Jay can help them improve their reading and writing. She baked a cake for her mom's birthday recently that has caused a stir amongst those lucky enough to have had some so I reckon we start a bakery if things get really tight. I sometimes wonder how she puts up with me but maybe I shouldn't ask too many questions. I did find an advert in the local classifieds offering to trade me in for a decent set of measuring spoons but she denies it was her.

Combined with the sheer amount of appointments and nursing visits we are continually busy. Last Thursday I had 5 appointments in one day, and ended having a power nap in the bathroom. The sores on my left leg are healing slowly but now I have a new sore on my right leg but hopefully it won't develop into anything nasty. That is a bit disappointing but as my doctor keeps on telling me, my immune system has been compromised. My cousin Kate has stocked me up with Chaga mushrooms so hopefully I am fighting my susceptibility to continual infection.

It is great seeing our friends even though we should have caught up with everyone by the middle of next year the rate we are going. I think after Christmas we should be ready for a mission down to Kent and then down to Dorset to see family and friends. By then I should have also made a plan to see all my old work colleagues. I have to really psyche myself up to do things as my energy levels are so low, but slow and steady wins the race.

I have been spending quite a lot of time at Trinity Hospice, where the various people who work and volunteer there have been really supportive and have given me good advice. I have been getting really frustrated with things since this all started as it really hard to accept that you can no longer be totally independent or do simple things that everyone takes for granted. I used to just get angry with myself but I am trying to calm down and not get too anxious to do everything at once.

The fact is that when you are given a terminal prognosis you think that you want to do everything right now, as there seems to be a sense of urgency about the the smallest things, but given that I am sometimes so physically tired it becomes a matter of trying to find a balance between what I can do, what I feel like doing and what type and strength of medication is coursing through my veins. It is all pretty unpredictable and of course irritating as you have very little control over it.

For example, a few weeks ago we finally made it to the cinema after a really stressful week to watch the new Bond movie and I managed to fall asleep during the climax of the film. At least I didn't start snoring this time.

So everyone thanks for the messages, we love to hear from everyone and will get back to you eventually.

Have a great Christmas and we'll be in touch in the New Year.

Lots of love Bruce and Jay

My cool sister

Kim made it to Everest Base Camp

MRI Update

We went to see the Oncologist last Monday to discuss the results from my spine and brain scan. During the one and a half hour scan I stupidly said yes to the music option and have now decided I don't like Adele or care why she is chasing pavements...

As far as the spine is concerned the area of swelling and tumour has stayed the pretty much the same after more than a year. This is obviously good news as in medical terms it means the tumour has 'plateaued' so it has not got any worse. I wasn't too worried about the results as I would have known when there is a neurological or spinal problem over the last few months so something must have worked.

The brain scans showed brighter images on both hemispheres compared to last year. They are not sure what this means in the grand scheme of things but the Oncologist will show the images to a multi-disciplinary team and see what they think. He is not overly concerned and thinks it may just be my brain reacting to the drugs I am taking at the moment and once he has chatted to his mates then maybe there is something I am taking that is making my brain glow a bit.  

So where does this leave the cancer issue? I will see the Oncologist again in January. I am not receiving Temozolomide treatment, don't want PCV chemotherapy and I am not physically well enough to try Avastin and don't have £70k to pay for something that will make me more ill anyway. So unless I start chemotherapy again there is nothing they can do for me really. At least I got a scan done.

To summarize: the cancer has stayed the same, my brain is glowing a bit but the duration, dose and subsequent side effects of long term steroid use are causing me major issues.

As you all know the reason I take steroids is to stop the tumour from compressing my spinal cord so my GP and the people at my local hospice are aware of the situation. The fear is that when I reduce it too much the tumour will progress. I am now down to 2.5 mg of steroids as of last week and have lots of morphine in case I need it. 

I am on pain patches full time now. Hopefully my body will start producing cortisone again naturally again at some stage. So if there is a major problem I have a few back up plans that involve a nice big dose of morphine...as fun as it sounds I am such a control freak I have taken it 3 times in the last fortnight as I would rather feel pain than nothing at all. So as far as the tumour is concerned it is a case of wait and see what happens.

So what has been prescribed? Same old really - get my legs ups to sort out the edema in my legs, try and take diuretics, sort out pressure sores and rest in bed as the reduction in steroids means I am susceptible to infections and more pressure sores. My veins have collapsed to such an extent a nurse took blood from where my knuckle meets my baby finger the other day.

Of course true to form, a little blister on my heel turned a bit nasty so I cannot wear shoes. The skin nurse has bandaged my whole leg up so I am pretty much housebound at the moment. The x-ray I had on my ankle showed nothing too worrying in terms of the big pressure sore, but it is really frustrating not being able to even put shoes on or get into bed without help because of my leg.

Otherwise we are both keeping well. Jay is tutoring at her old school most afternoons which is good for her, the kids of South London and the thing formally known as our bank balance. When we got back to the UK we realised that neither of us had worked for over a year and were living in some kind of dream world.

We get to see some of our friends when I am up to it, but seem to have to do it in instalments as our flat is too small for any big gatherings, isn't child friendly and it is too cold for barefoot cripples so our options are limited. Plus Jay had a fender bender 2 weeks ago so our car is at the panel beaters.

Anyway I am not enjoying being a house husband of colossal inefficiency as it is not that long ago I was working and studying, so trying to accept that I am not well a lot of the time is hard to take sometimes but I'll get over it. The people from the local hospice have been really supportive and I am visiting the local hospice this Thursday to see how they can help in terms of physiotherapy and complimentary therapy.

So again thanks to all for your support recently, once I am fit for public consumption I'll hopefully see more of you all.

Nut Job Friday 28th September 2012

Hi everyone,

I hope this finds you well. It has been over a month since my Orchidectomy surgery and thanks for all of the positive messages.

I have healed up nicely and after intensive therapy we have learnt to cope with the loss of lefty. This therapy has consisted entirely of inappropriate jokes made by a surprisingly wide range of people. Maybe this is the 'oh well, you have another one, I suppose,' attitude. Try telling that someone with one eye. Sometimes I catch righty looking slightly forlorn but then I realise that I am possibly over analysing the situation and just need to get dressed.

The best way to deal with things in my world is to make jokes. Fortunately for the you guys, my editorial team consists entirely of my wife who makes Joseph Goebbels seem slack...so my barrage of nut related jokes are not coming your way this time.

However it worries me that the supposedly fairer sex still generally think it is slightly amusing getting a testicle removed. It is almost as if they have never taken them seriously, whereas a lot of blokes look pained and a little haunted. Anyway, enough about that but I am simply responding to your many enquiries...

We saw the specialist and he said that the problem was caused by a combination of infection and/or trauma. I was asked if I wanted a prosthetic replacement....seriously.

Either way it is not cancer which is nice for a change. Jaynean and myself are so hardcore that this whole thing seems pretty inconsequential to be honest. When you have the worst type of cancer everything else doesn't really scare us anymore. Onwards and upwards as they say - now I have an x-ray on my leg, spinal MRI and also a brain scan on the 1st October.

All clear so far

Hi everyone,

I hope this finds you all well. Thanks for the messages, visits, etc. Some of you know this information already.

As you know from the last update I was going in for an operation on the 21st August to remove a potentially cancerous testicle. The operation went as well as it could have and I made sure I was discharged the next day as they seemed to be faffing around as usual wanting more and more unnecessary blood tests.

I also think they must have rammed a hose pipe down my throat when they put me to sleep, as I woke up feeling like I had chain smoked a pack of Camels.

The good news is that they have found no cancer in that particular area, but had to remove the whole of lefty anyway as it was infected and had suffered quite a lot of damage.

So apart from losing a fairly important body part it seems that for once I don't have another form of cancer which can only be good.

In terms of the spinal tumour the doctors all seemed a little surprised to see me which was an odd feeling. I have defeated most doctor's survival predictions - maybe a few lost money on bets. Anyway I am going for an MRI and see if there is any tumour progression but apart from the usual steriod issues and pressure sores I seem to be okay apart from a total lack of energy.

Take care,

Bruce

Nutjob

Hi everyone,

Aah, another Attenborough moment, as we hear the melodic sounds of the spotted tracksuit-wearer, marking his territory by energetically spitting in the street, whilst simultaneously swearing at his pack of tethered dogs....all of which is taking place while smoking a Superking and drinking a can of beer so strong it could strip paint off a warship.

Yes folks, in the spirit of our chaotic lives I am writing to you from Tooting in London.

In the last post I wrote we were thanking all of our mates and family for raising funds to help us stay in Southern Africa and the first thing we do is buy air tickets to rush back to the UK!

The reason for all of this is that I discovered a lump in my groin and after a scan in Pietermaritzburg it was decided it was necessary to remove the offending nut and biopsy it as it could be more cancer. Just my luck...

I keep on being told that it is easily treatable if it is a form of cancer, but that is scant consolation to me as I would rather not lose more parts of my body. Maybe I can sell it on E-Bay or E-Ball - insert your favourite ball related pun or joke here....

The actual operation is apparently straightforward but with my immobility and skin problems, I might need a longer stay than the average Joe. I should go in to St. Georges either Monday or Tuesday for the operation.

The urologist in Pietermaritzburg said that the operation would need to be done as soon as possible so within a week and after a mad panic packing up we drove up to Johannesburg from Mooi River, said cheers to family and friends and before we knew it we were back just in time for the Olympics. 

It has been a case of packing our lives up again, evicting our house guest Ryan in London and coming back to our place. To be fair, the Olympics were amazing and Jay managed to go and watch the open water swimming as well as the road race which was a few miles away from where we live so it has been pretty cool to be in London while it is all going on.

It is great to see my mates and we have found that London seems small compared to the distances we were travelling in South Africa. Going to see my GP takes 10 minutes as opposed to an hour or so. The other benefit of being back in the UK is that I am seeing a range of skin specialists for my collection of pressure sores, which seem to growing every day.

I am also seeing my oncologist at the Royal Marsden soon so hopefully this will mean being scanned and re-tested. According to the prediction made by my oncologist last year I should be dead by now. It is has been almost a year now and I am not going to sit around waiting for something to happen. I have reduced my steroids and haven't felt too much of a positive difference yet. I am taking a lot less than I used to but the side effects seem to be here to stay and are causing me the most discomfort.

Someone helpfully pointed out that I now look like evil Cartman from South Park. You decide.

 

           The similarities are scary...         

We had been enjoying staying in Mooi River even though say what you like about the weather in the United Kingdom the houses are built for the cold, whereas Mooi is seriously cold in winter and I really felt it. My hands and feet never seemed to warm up.

As soon as we left it started snowing so we dodged a bullet again with the weather as I think I would have frozen to death. It is still beautiful in winter as you can see. Yes those are miniature horses running through the snow in the garden. They belong to my aunt and apparently had to live in the kitchen during the cold snap.

 

In the weeks before we left our mates Dave and Natalie came to keep us company at various times which was great and Jay and my aunt Leigh kept us seriously well fed to combat the winter hunger.

So once we knew we had such a short amount of time in Natal we tried to do everything at once and visited Durban, found Nemo at the Aquarium, visited relatives and we were even visited by interesting people from a Spiritualist church who wanted to shout the cancer out of me which is an experience I won't forget in a hurry.

I also found another sign to amuse us that seems to indicate some kind rubber fetish among the bird life in Mooi River. I always knew crows were dirty but wow...

So here we are back in the UK in our little flat. It isn't all bad to be honest as I am glad to be in our space in some ways. Leaving suddenly for a year you forget that you actually had a home. Well I did anyway. We still have unopened wedding gifts, birthday presents and loads of possessions.  

Jay is keeping well and gives me so much of her time and attention so I am really happy she is getting to see her mom who is here working at the moment, and her dad and sister who we have all missed, as well as all of our friends. It is the first time in years we have managed to celebrate our birthdays without spending the day in a hospital waiting room.

Like most people I find it isn't much fun being unemployed, feeling weak and in pain, but you make the most of what you have and I am blessed with amazing family and friends and this is exemplified by my mother, who we shall re-name Lancina Armstrong, who rode 135 kilometres last weekend to raise funds in the blistering heat of Queensland.

For us, it is important to be positive about the situation, make the most of it and then make a decision about our future plans. Next week will be a bit stressful with the operation, but hopefully things will work out and I will be back in action.

Lots of love to everyone and I should be a bit more communicative now I have more regular access to the internet.  

Cue picture of me riding into the sunset......................sorry I couldn’t find one

Just a quick one...

I realize a lot of you want to help us by fundraising etc. The truth is I feel a bit guilty about that because we chose to come out here and kind of see what happens. My mother is raising money by doing a sponsored bike ride soon so I'll send out the details. So basically we are doing fine but of course I realize people are just trying to help but please just let me know your ideas and we'll chat about it before you go and do anything too crazy....

I know I shouldn't smoke but some dude came up to me outside the shopping mall and gave me an earful about smoking and some other nonsense about along the lines of "and you are in a wheelchair."

I know it is a stupid habit but I was in a particularly bad mood so for once I finally lost it. Life is frustrating enough without getting lectures from some random guy. Anyway I have been saving up a big shout and scream for a couple of months now so this poor guy got an earful.

Anyway I found these beauties to really ram in the non-PC way I am feeling at the moment.... Take care and remember do not expect a response anytime soon.

We are going to find out what country we'll be in this week so  wish us luck...

Blog update

Hi everyone - things have been hectic. We are in South Africa at the today but have to go back to Botswana at some stage this week or next month or who knows....

Ss here is my news our news..

As many of you will know my grandmother died on Saturday the 14^th April after suffering a pretty major stroke on the 11^th April.

Ironically we both got sick at around the same time in 2008 when she was diagnosed with cancer. She showed a huge amount of determination and strength throughout her illness, given that she wasn’t ever expected to have survived for so long. If I possess even half of what she had in terms of fight then I will have a better chance than most people do. She still managed to burn around Southern Africa and even managed to squeeze in a trip to the UK in 2009. She was loved by everyone who met her but I am sure the pedestrians of Howick can sleep a bit better as she wasn’t meant to be driving around and one stage admitted that she couldn’t feel her right leg after the cancer spread to her shin. 

We planned to make it back for a family gathering in Mooi River but unfortunately I was pretty ill in Zimbabwe so left a day later than planned and we didn’t get to see her before she died. We had a wake in her memory on Saturday the 21^st for family and friends and the amount of people who attended and volume of messages sent from around the world really brought it home to me how many people she had influenced over her 77 years. She started studying Arabic in her sixties, refused to be called Granny and told inappropriate jokes. What more do you need?

Thanks for the message for those who sent them through.

So where do you start? First of all things the more things change the more they stay the same. I stupidly envisaged coming out to Southern Africa, parking off in the glorious sunshine under an Acacia tree and writing some kind of memoir, seeing visitors and drinking tea and generally trying to fight off this disease or the side effects of the drugs in some kind of genteel way. Of course I was wrong.

Instead it has been constant traveling, dealing with the world of Immigration in various countries and their formalities and or in our case let’s call them deformities. In Botswana the more formal and bureaucratic approach is favoured and but in Zimbabwe it is more chaotic and frustrating.

 So because our initial visa application Botswana was rejected we have moved down to Mooi River in South Africa to stay with my Uncle and Aunt and family while our application is being processed.

In the space of about 2 months Jay has driven well over 6000kms back and forth from Botswana, South Africa and Zimbabwe. My Botswana uncle and aunt’s RAV has been driven to edge of destruction.  We managed to borrow my South African uncle and aunt’s Volvo to drive to Zimbabwe once we realized that we had no Police clearance for the RAV. My wife somehow managed to fit in both my wheelchair and shower chair in the back seat after everyone else either laughed at the idea or just tried to ram everything in. I love the sign at Volvo.

We are staying at my Uncle Kevin’s and Aunt Leigh’s farm in the Natal Midlands. It is absolutely stunning but couldn’t be more different than Botswana in terms of climate – it green and mountainous and is near the Drakensburg Mountain Range. It is a bit of a change from the heat and bush of Gaborone but we are spoilt as we are in a stunning farm house that has been kitted out for wheelchair use so again it easy for us. Here is the view from the front verandah. Don't be fooled though, it was 1C this morning so is getting cold.

In the Natal area there are a lot more medical facilities down compared to Botswana so I have managed to get my pressure sore looked at and get my teeth sorted out. 32 years of no dental work or fillings came to an abrupt end when the lovely dentist was drilling away, only to stop, remove his mask and tell me what lovely teeth I have and that it must be the chemo that is causing the problems. Thanks for that buddy.

The pressure sore on my ankle is still a pretty major issue but we are on top of it but how the medical companies justify charging the equivalent of £200 for a month’s supply of fancy dressings is beyond me! Before you all email me miracle cures for pressure sores, please don’t. 

We have found something that works for us so whilst pouring warm honey covered in seaweed that has been gathered by a three-legged transsexual badger on the wound may be the way to go for some people, we seem to be winning slowly but surely.

The pressure sore is a bit of a beast to be honest and needs to dressed, cleaned and waterproofed. Between that and raising my legs for the edema,  Jay spends at least an hour a day dealing with nursing me!  As well as managing to burn my leg in the shower, burn my foot after getting about 10 minutes of direct sunlight in the car and getting some kind of stomach bug in Zimbabwe I am keeping my poor wife busy. I am starting to get sores pretty much whenever I knock my feet or scrape my skin so I need to be a bit more careful. An abscess was discovered above the sore so there is more drama. This is what a pressure sore looks like! That monstrosity is my ankle.

So since we came down to Mooi River at the beginning of March we have popped up to Zimbabwe to see Jay’s parents and our friends in Bulawayo and then up to Harare for Kate and Mark’s wedding.

It is fair to say that in Zimbabwe things are slightly different but all things considered the people here are still pretty much friendly and retain their sense of humour. Just don’t drive at night or on a public holiday. And remember your reflective yellow jacket, red triangle and fire extinguisher otherwise you will incur the wrath of the local police in no time at all.

Oh yes and remember your USD$1 to pay for the toll roads that are like concrete bubble wrap and seem to a playground for a variety of goats, donkeys and cows that want to smell your bumper at night. But the roads and animals aren’t as bad as the drivers.

Even my Zen-calm-like wife felt the frustrations of Zimbabwe’s roads as we spent ages stuck in jam on our way back from the wedding in Harare after a head on collision caused a massive delay. Some people were trying to cut into the queue to get across the bridge and both of us decided that keeping calm and carrying on was the way forward. We decided that raising our stress levels was pointless. Predictably, queue jumping and pushing in didn’t work as we seemed to be only people not moving.

I lasted about 30 minutes before I adopted the verbal abuse approach towards drivers trying to barge us out the way.

Even Jay screamed at a taxi driver whose approach to his vehicle was to treat his paintjob as some kind of silver from a scratch card and scrape most of it onto other objects. Jay’s stern words obviously had some effect as we then witnessed the same taxi driver crash into the back of someone and few miles up the road. Does that count as instant Karma? Some people are just oxygen thieves.

Zimbabwe has improved a lot over the last 4 years or so but still suffers from constant power cuts and general disrepair after years of economic neglect. But now some (lucky) people can buy food, petrol and even a few luxuries so  it seems to be heading in the right direction. Apparently Harare is now rivaling Tirana in Albania as the resting place for second-hand Mercedes’ from Europe. Is that a good or bad sign? I can’t tell really.

Probably the most disconcerting aspect of Zimabwe is driving around Harare during the night during a power cut and not being able to find the Monomotapa Hotel which is a 20-storey hotel in the Central Business District due to non-existent street lighting.

Jay and I spent most of our time with my wife’s parents Den and Pegs, who have adapted their house in Bulawayo so I can use it without any hassle. It was great for Jay to spend some time at home after dealing with my manic family. My family take the noisy approach to most things and we all mostly talk at once the whole time so to go to the Parks’ was sedate and relaxing even though we limited time in Bulawayo, 1000km to Harare and back and then 4 days travelling if you add up the SA to Zim journey. 

So that is how 2 weeks holiday actually becomes significantly shorter!

I reckon I need a 3 days of rest for each 500kms travelled so I am doomed for the couple of weeks. You know what, we chose to come out to Africa so seeing Kate and Mark get married, seeing my mates Sam, Matt and Bridge, Shelley and Enzo and many others is worth it as I might never see them again. I know I will regret naming people because I will forgotten loads of people.

Lets wrap it up as they say. Guys there is no internet here on the farm whatsoever so please realize I am now unlikely to respond to emails. We have about a 100km round trip down to Howick to my aunt Claire’s olive shop to use her computer in the middle of her office so it isn’t easy to keep in comms anymore. Speaking of olives (or just blatantly pluggint them) if you ever drive past Howick or find yourself in various shopping malls please try Romesco Olives.

So I repeat there is no email.

Yebo everyone and I hope you are keeping well.

We had a great Christmas and New Year in between power cuts and the heat. Jay’s parents were down from Zimbabwe to join us for Christmas and we discovered the beauty and majesty of 30 Seconds, a board game that is more than guaranteed to either start a debate, argument, hysterical laughter or in my father-in-laws’ case, total speech paralysis. We also were playing pretty much in the dark using head torches which didn’t add to the cutting edge aspect of the game.

My sister-in-law Gaylynn also visited which was great and returned to the UK looking brown as a berry as it had been ridiculously sunny. She also managed to be in Botswana just in time for Maya the puppy to get stung in the face by some creature or eat some noxious mushroom so we had major drama with a hyperventilating dog that looked like Mike Tyson had given her a few right handers. Some antihistamine and lots of water sorted it out eventually but it was pretty stressful.

Otherwise I have been doing the usual stuff - trying to organise chemotherapy and get it shipped over to Bots or brought by someone, which can be interesting. Thankfully I found a use for Facebook and the bush telegraph works pretty well. Because the NHS no longer has any “Duty of Care” in my case I now have to source my own drugs. This means hitting the internet and buying drugs from websites that are registered in weird and wonderful places like Fiji....

I managed to get the first part of the Chemotherapy (PCV) administered here in Gaborone. We all sit in a room as the solitary oncologist does his thing, administering Chemotherapy to about 6 people. It all works fine, except the anti-nausea drip is usually given to me and then I wait for 2 or 3 hours before I am given the Vincristine drip. So it makes the anti-nausea drug a little pointless, especially when the woman next to you is eating a pizza....ah well thankfully I am not someone who throws up easily. And to add insult to insult to injury you get charged the equivalent of £6 for a bloody cotton swab so the whole process costs a fortune.

The other two drugs I sort out myself. Anyway because I am a cheapskate I decided to save £200 and buy the 10mg version of Lomustine, so instead of the 40mg version which means taking 5 capsules, I ended up taking 20 capsules one after the other. These bad boys make you feel nice and sick so I sat at my computer and read about the diamond mining industry Zimbabwe on the Internet as I reckoned I might as well give myself a good reason to feel nauseous. I felt like a cowboy downing shots of whisky, except it wasn’t nearly as fun.

Needless to say I have now found a website that sells the drugs in the right quantities, but I am still waiting for them to be shipped to the UK so I have missed my six-week Chemotherapy appointment already. To be honest, I hate taking Chemotherapy so I am not getting too stressed out about it. I have now embraced the Alternative medicine route and have been getting 50,000mg Intravenous Vitamin C drips, eating apricot kernels and have been sent some Cordyceps and Reishi Mushroom spores from my cousin Katie in the UK. Below is my daily diet.

I figure that I might as well try whatever is out there and everyone seems to be full of ideas, so if you have any suggestions of alternative medicines or therapies etc, keep ‘em coming. As long as this doesn’t include paying a Tele-evangelist who promises to cure me by accepting payment via Visa, then I am receptive to most ideas.

My body is still falling apart and I have wounds that just will not heal at all, which is frustrating and my darling wife spends an hour each day dressing wounds on my feet. She has become a wound specialist by default, and slowly but surely we are getting on top of the situation. We have been lucky in that Bex, my Occupational Therapist from Stanmore in the UK has been incredible and sent out everything we need in terms of dressings. My hair is also starting to fall out so hopefully a few industrial size doses of vitamin C will get if growing again.

Talking of hair removal I read that some members of the Amish community in Pennsylvania have victims of attacks in involving cutting off hair that have been perpetrated by, wait for it, The Mullet Brothers. I nearly fell off my chair laughing at that one.

Several weeks after reading that little nugget I did fall out of my chair. We drove 10 hours from Gaborone to Mooi River where my aunt, Leigh and uncle, Kevin have a lovely farm. I also have an aunt, Claire who lives in the area as well as my grandmother who lives in Howick. My sister Kim was over from Australia so it was great to see her too. Anyway I managed to fall backwards, crack my head on the floor and adopt the Lotus Position. My uncle and I thought it was pretty funny, but Jay and everyone else nearly had a heart attack. As you can see I maintain a sense of dignity throughout what I have optimistically labelled my “stunt”. Others have simply have questioned my wheelchair technique or just called me a tool. You decide.

Jay is keeping well and has started swimming regularly to get fit. One of Grant and Siobhan’s friends has a 19m pool at his house which is great for training and means you can actually swim up and down and complete laps. Otherwise Jay is keeping well and we are both trying to make impossible decisions every day in terms of our future. Jay does worry me a bit with her continual (losing) battle against the wilder elements of Botswana. I am not talking about the snakes and scorpions, which thankfully we haven’t encountered, but the various moths, horse flies, mosquitoes and bugs that seem to have agreed at some point that it would be fun to fly at her. The battle continues.

Health wise, I haven’t had an MRI scan since August but then you have to ask yourself what the point of having one is. Firstly they are hugely expensive when you are paying for it yourself. Secondly, do you want to know the bad news? Apart from a massive hole in my foot I feel surprisingly okay given the prognosis in August.

Thank goodness I have such an amazing wife and family, who provide me with unequivocal support. Apart from a few weeks in total in South Africa, we have been at the Buckmaster’s since August which is pretty much six months of me in your house which must become difficult let’s face it. Luckily for them we have to leave Botswana for a little while and are heading down to Mooi River while we wait for our immigration status to get sorted out so they can get their house back for a while at least! 

I want to thank all of you who have helped us over the last six months, whether it is has been bringing out stuff from the UK, posting us supplies, providing us with accommodation for friends and relatives, baking us cakes, making me trousers, refusing payment for medical care....well the list continues. We both appreciate everything as it isn’t easy to be honest, but the last six months has restored my faith in humanity to some degree as some of the people who have helped us don’t know Jay or myself from a bar of soap.

Whilst ending on such a philosophical note I might as well utilise the feel good factor. Is there anyone travelling to Johannesburg in the next few weeks from London who is willing to bring over some supplies for us? Just thought I’d get that in there quickly.

If so please get hold of me on bruceallardyce@talk21.com or on Facebook. Take care.